“The important thing is not to stop questioning; curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when contemplating the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of the mystery every day. The important thing is not to stop questioning; never lose a holy curiosity.”
Albert Einstein
Four Benefits of Questions:
- Enforces connection between people: Questions give the other person the space and confidence to share and feel heard. In addition, a sense of reciprocity is built as both parties ask questions about one another creating feelings of intimacy and shared vulnerability which fosters a sense of balance in the relationship. This inadvertently builds trust between two people, which is the foundation of a strong bond.
- Enforces independence and empowerment: Questions empower individuals to take charge of their own learning and experience. This leads to a heighted sense of autonomy and power, which leads to growth and fulfillment.
- Enforces self-awareness: Questions help individuals dig deep into themselves and reflect. Not many people can say they truly know themselves. It is a journey that keeps on going and requires personal responsibility and accountability, which is reinforced by maintaining personal curiosity and asking the right questions that are tailored to one’s self.
- Enforce continuous learning and growth: Life is a lifelong journey, that requires continuous learning and unlearning. Questions allow us to learn new ways and at the same time question previous notions that no longer serve us. In a society that changes on an unprecedented pace, adapting to one’s environment is key and that is only fostered by asking questions.
To ask good questions, one must become a good listener
- Maintain the silence: One of the most important tools for asking good questions is silence. Silence creates space, which in turn gives the other the opportunity to elaborate and reflect on the response.
- Maintain neutrality: Keep an open and clear mind. This is the basis of active listening as all biases, personal perceptions and opinions are removed from the equation. Imagine a blank canvas.
- Maintain curiosity: Curiosity is the leading thread of asking questions. It is a primary human trait that ignites exploration and discovery. It offers fulfillment as we make the unknown known and provide more headway towards further discovery and knowledge.
- Maintain empathy: Allows the other person to feel heard and understood. A feeling of trust is created between both parties, which creates a safe space to ask deeper questions and in turn receive a more genuine response. For example, in a scenario where someone shares an experience and the other doesn’t fully grasp the emotion behind the story, it illustrates to the speaker that they aren’t really being understood or heard as the emotion behind the story is overlooked by the listener. To empathize, it is important to identify one or two primary emotions and share them.
Vitality Tip:
Know the difference between “Intrusive” and “mindful” curiosity when connecting with people.
- Questions fueled by “intrusive” curiosity do not move the conversation forward. They only serve the person asking the question.
- Questions fueled by “mindful” curiosity move the conversation forward as relevant information is brought up to the surface by the person’s thoughts and feelings.
People want to feel heard and understood. Being mindful with your curiosity provides a safe space without making the other feel interrogated or judged.
“What” vs “Why” Questions
“What” questions for the most part gather more pertinent information about the person. They allow the speaker to dig deep and generate forward thinking and think about a topic in a new light. “What” questions also are one of the most impactful ways to ask open-ended questions vs close ended questions that end of either a “yes” or a “no “answer. Open end-ended questions help the conversation move forward and shed light on new information.
“Why” questions are also great gatherers of information just like their “what” counterparts, however they tend to incite judgement or make the other person feel defensive. The person answering the question may feel the need to provide a justification in their response, which can cause uneasiness and mistrust. “Because” is typically the answer that follows a “why” question. Moreover, if not used moderately, why questions may also make the other person feel like they are interrogated.
Below is an example that illustrates the distinction between “What” & “Why”
Scenario: Person goes to Spain on vacation
Question 1: Why did you go to Spain?
Response 1: Because I needed a vacation.
Question 2: What made you go to Spain vs other places in Europe?
Response 2: I really like the Spanish culture and food. I love a good paella! Do you like paella?
As demonstrated above, Response 2 provides more colour and enthusiasm. It also says more about the person vs the situation and allows room for reciprocity and connection.
Vitality Favourites:
Questions for interpersonal bonding and connection:
- What drives you?
- What are you passionate about?
- What is the best advice you ever received?
- What is your favourite song and movie?
What make these questions so impactful?
- They demonstrate genuine interest and foster reciprocity
- They provide a strong foundation for connection
- They allow room for vulnerability
- They ignite inspiration
Conclusion
Although we live in an overly connected society, people feel more isolated and disconnected than before. We are exposed to more, however the quality of the content we are exposed to is subpar leaving people empty and hungry for genuine connection. Humans thrive on connection and connection is nurtured through reciprocated curiosity, demonstrated interest and empathy. What do you think?
